A Marathon, Not a Race

When I first approached Lina about making a 30-before-30 blog, I found myself in a rare moment of calm clarity. You see, March of 2018 was not exactly an easy month for me. I was fired from my job and felt blindsided by it, and my ex-boyfriend turned best friend-with benefits, decided to kick me out of his life after an argument about a week later. To this day, I still don’t quite fully understand why, after all we had been through in the last three years, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it was. On top of this, I had found myself in an unfortunate, self-made state of isolation. When I took the job I was fired from only 6 months earlier, I was working remotely, which meant that I had already felt isolated from human interaction. Since my ex and I had broken up the year before and then come back together as some weird in-between stage of friends/lovers, I had alienated several of my old friends who were trying desperately to get me through what was a very traumatic stage in my life. Needless to say, I found myself alone with no job, a barely existent social support system, and in the midst of my own self-created inner and outer turmoil.    

I’d like to say that since that moment of clarity, my mood and life have continued to improve, but, if truth be told, that’s not how the moments since have gone. I started a new job about three weeks after this all happened, which has helped to a mild degree, and I have been attempting to reconnect with some old friends, but it hasn’t been easy. And though I have begun a concerted effort on my 30-before-30 goals, most specifically starting with developing a healthier mindset by meditating, practicing gratitude and working on myself in an effort to build healthier habits so I can move forward, it hasn’t all been a steady progression of upward momentum. I found myself at the bottom of a few empty beer glasses on more than one occasion in the last couple of weeks, desperately wishing that my ex/ex-best friend was talking to me and that I hadn’t so royally fucked up my life. I found myself wishing that the work I was putting in to change would have happened already. But as I reached out to one of the few and rare people who has been a steady and constant source of love in my life, she said to me “life is a marathon my dear, not a race” and I realized it’s ok that things haven’t instantaneously shifted. A month feels like a long time, but in reality, we all know it’s not. Habits may be formed in 28 days, but sometimes they take longer. And I can’t continue to beat myself up for not being as quick with this transformation as I would have hoped.

I hope you all remember in the process of transformation, to be ok with backwards momentum as well. It will happen. Things will push you back. But it will make you stronger. So, keep trying to move forward. And remember, that as you face the push-back, you’re not the only one and you’re not alone. I will keep going with this marathon as well. 

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