Through my younger years, I’d escape my loneliness via several strange adventures in my head. They always included a dancing scene which was immediately followed by a fighting scene. If you’ve ever seen the movie ‘Sucker Punch’ you’ll know what I mean. It was really random. I’d start the series off by going to school and for whatever reason, there would be a dance-off. I would be one of the few selected and I would kill it! I’m talking poppin’ and lockin’ like the 90’s. I would win the dance-off and it would spark a fight. The girl I hated would step up and we’d bash it out. It’d end with me punching her lights out. My favorite version was when I used to imagine defending the boy I liked because we were suddenly attacked by ninjas. If you’re not fucking laughing by now, you have no sense of humor.
Don’t judge me. I was a kid. I watched a lot of anime. It happens. As I grew, the daydreams changed much like my life. I learned a while back that if you pay attention to what you daydream, it can tell you a lot about what you want in life. Very recently my daydreams have turned into an MA-rated series of sex, family, and love. I have had multiple sexual fantasies of hot guys I know or some of those I happen to meet. I imagine their lips against mine. I take my time imagining the kissing scenes. I’ve learned I like kissing very much. It’s a very passionate thing for me. If a man ever kissed me the way I’ve detailed it in my mind, I’d melt. From the kissing, I move on to the sensual touch. I enjoy sex very, very fucking much. I know which parts of my body I’d want him to touch and how. I know that the way he’d grab my waist should be tougher than a squeeze but gentler than a grip. I know I want my breasts to be fondled with everything except his hands. It’s all very erotic and detailed. Small details creating a spectacular type of sensation that takes over my mind and keeps my body aching for a man’s touch.
This then introduces the love scenes. I imagine what it would be like to date the man in my dreams. I imagine our petty fights. I imagine rainy nights with the windows slightly opened, to allow a gentle breeze in while we snuggle on the couch. He’d play video games and I’d watch absently while reading a book. I imagine him surprising me with flowers and gifts and trips to the moon and back. It all used to stop suddenly when I remembered my kids. I never had them in my daydreams. For as long as I’ve had different daydreams in my life, I’ve never really included my children in them. If your daydreams show what you truly want in life then did this mean that I didn’t want my kids? I thought about this for quite a while. I was worried I didn’t want them. Thanks to Kneecaps, I’ve learned that isn’t the case.
My daydreams focus on what I want not what I already have. I’m missing my partner. Although, even with that realization, I still can’t picture any man meeting my kids and becoming a part of our lives. I’m not sure if that is my dependency on Shadow as he still holds the place of their father. However, I’ve decided to give it a try. I meet a man and I wonder what he would look like being a friend to my sons. I try to picture him picking them up from school or helping them with things like sports and dating. I even go as far as to picture how he’d discipline them. I know, sounds fucking crazy. You have to understand if I can’t picture it how am I supposed to ever make it a reality? I can’t even see myself in a fictional world with a man taking care of me and my kids. That’s the fakest thing out of everything I’ve ever envisioned. And I once pretended I was a witch! (The Craft was really popular in my young days)
I know what I want out of sex. I know what I want out of love. I’m still struggling to understand what I want out of a life partner. Maybe I don’t want him to know my boys at all. Maybe sex is enough for me. I’ve noticed I’m very much afraid. I’m afraid of showing my ugly side, my mom side, and my vulnerable side. He’ll see all of that if he becomes involved with me and my boys. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. I know I don’t have any takers, so I don’t have anything to worry about it yet. But I also don’t have any takers because I’m afraid. It’s scary letting someone in. It’s scarier not taking the chance at happiness. I’ve decided to allow myself to explore the possibility of a happy life. A life with a partner who loves my kids as much as I do and who loves me as much as I love myself.
The struggles I’ve had with these thoughts are that I’ve always held them to be more real than my life. I’ve made them my life. I’ve gone out to seek the adventures and the fights. Not real ones but, like, small fights or arguments. I’m a lover not a fighter. I don’t mind bragging that I am a great lover! I’ve worked really fucking hard at having great sex, enjoyable to my partner and myself. The problem is when I try to have a romantic life with out my children knowing fully well that can’t happen. It’s harder to direct my thoughts when they take form from somewhere deep inside me. I’ve said I want a family but these daydreams seem to tell me differently. I’m struggling to make unseen dreams a reality. I’m struggling from an indecent mind.