It’s my favorite kind of weather right now. Lightning is dancing across the sky to the beat of the thunderous drums. The wind is creeping gently past my curtains, caressing me as it passes by. The dark night welcomes the quiet and gentle feeling of companionship, and yet, I sit here alone enjoying the grand splendor. It’s nights like these that I hate being single. I look out the window, watching the raindrops paint a beautiful picture of watercolors on its glass. I wonder if I’ll ever have someone to share it with. I wonder if they’ll think this weather is just as wonderful as I do.
I spoke to a friend of mine recently. I call him Takeout because he’s always buying me lunch. We were having a discussion about abortions. Within the discussion, he said something to me that I have heard more than once from a man. He said that I wanted to be a single mom. I didn’t want a man. I was hurt. How could he think such a thing? It is true that upon returning I reconnected with him. It is also true that I disappeared from his life even after reconnecting. But I had just gotten away from Shadow. I was going through a process of stabilizing myself. Then Kneecaps happened and it’s all history after that.
Takeout has a girlfriend now, by the way. They live together. Just so you understand where he’s coming from. It isn’t that I don’t want a man. I haven’t found the correct man. When I was with Kneecaps it was all great fun, but he was rather selfish. He also didn’t want kids. I can’t have a life with a man who doesn’t want kids but loves me. Later I discovered Instagram-that’s what I call him. He had a high sex drive and was willing to do anything to please me. He doesn’t even mind that I have kids. He has a live-in girlfriend too. He knows she’s the one but he isn’t done fucking around. Instagram asked if I could go back to it just long enough to feel the graze of that dick. I could. I just don’t want to. I don’t want to be number two anymore. I’m tired of being number two. I was number two even when I was with Shadow.
Then after Instagram, I was accidentally introduced to a handsome young fellow. Don’t even worry I won’t give him a name because he has a fucking girlfriend too. Before I went as far as to ask him out, I discovered this and now we’re only friends. Barely, actually, as we don’t even talk a lot. It’s just my luck. I decide to stop being a sidechick and that’s the only position I seem to qualify for. Now, sitting here in perfect snuggle weather, in my t-shirt, I can’t help but want to be with my number one. I want to have someone to watch late night movies with. I want someone I can talk to for hours at a time. I want someone who will appreciate my back rubs and will want to give me a foot massage. I want someone who will be there with my boys when I need a break.
Have you ever seen the movie, Practical Magic? There’s a scene where Sandra Bullock calls to her man. A man whom she created with magic to protect her from a broken heart. That’s what I want. I want to be able to call out to this man and have him compelled to come save me. To just be with me. It sounds sad and desperate. I know. I think it is. I don’t know how many women feel this way sometimes. It’s good to be alone, but not to be lonely. And I think that’s what I am. I’ve finally gotten over being on my own. I don’t have to go to bars to pick up guys. I don’t have to go on Tinder or any other online dating sites.
I’m not hoping to find a temporary fix to my loneliness. I want the real deal. I want the butterflies in the stomach. The petty fights over a french fry. I want to sing in the shower and have him tease me about it. I want someone to fall in love with and have that same someone fall in love with me, with all of me; my messy hair and crazy kids. It sucks knowing what you want and not being able to get it. Men are so different now, it’s hard to pick out the good ones. Even men like Instagram and Takeout, who are very nice to their girlfriends, are jerks for what they do behind closed doors. Makes me believe even less in love and romance. But I still want it. Leave it to these rare rainy days to make me realize how lonely I really am.
I know I’m supposed to have a moral or life lesson in these posts, but this one was really just an “in-the-moment” type of thing. It helps with the loneliness. I promise I’ll keep it to a minimum. And if you’re feeling how I am right now, you’re not alone. And if you’re not feeling this way, I’m very happy for you. But can you move the fuck on? This is a single’s kinda post and you’re ruining the miserable mood. 😉