Mom, we need to talk

mr_pinkThe hardest of all the break ups are when you have to do it to friends or family. As a mom, I can’t imagine not being in my son’s life or worse not knowing anything about his personal life. That being said, I also know a little bit about boundaries and trust. Growing up with siblings I understood there are things you ask and things you don’t. There’s also things you find out with out ever mentioning it.

My mom somehow always knew things with out us having to tell her. Somehow that trickled down to me and now, having seen behind the curtain, I understand how easy it was to call us out on our bullshit. With that in mind I want to reply to someone’s question regarding their mom being all up in their shit. I’ll call him, Mr. Pink. (If you don’t get the reference we can’t be friends) I know we all have a couple of questions but before you begin, let me reply. Mr. Pink please know that I say this as a mom and as a stranger whom you’ve come to for guidance.

First and foremost if you are living with your mom that’s the first thing you have to fix. Find an apartment or a room to rent. You won’t get any privacy while living with your mom. If you don’t live with her that’s good, you’re half way there. Having your own place ensures freedom and privacy. Also, don’t give her a key to your place that’s just stupid. This way when she wants to come over she has to make sure you’re there.

[Quick note: if you pick an apartment too far from her that’ll be cause for her to stay over. If it’s too close she’ll visit all the time.]

Next is getting the cojones [ko-ho-nes] to tell her. I’m not gonna fucking lie to you, Mr. Pink, there is no nice way to tell her to leave you the fuck alone. If you tell her too nicely she’ll misinterpret and give a false acceptance. That means she’ll agree and say she loves you but nothing will change. If you tell her too harshly she’ll be heartbroken for days until you come back to apologize to her and nothing will change.

So, what do you do? Ever walked on burning coals? No? Me either but the idea is pretty much the same. You have to get over it quickly and slowly take the pain until you get to the other end. It isn’t going to be pretty or nice. You’ll have to start with a conversation. In the conversation you must remain logical and unemotional. If you play into your emotions or hers, you’re gonna have a bad time.

In the conversation let her know how much you love her and how much you appreciate her. Then slam it down and let her know how you feel! Try your hardest not to get mad. Also, maintain a distance, mom hugs got special powers. Tell her you’re a grown man trying to make your own mistakes so you can learn from them. Tell her you want to conquer the world on your own. I don’t care how you say it just fucking tell her the truth. If she starts bringing herself into it. Tell her very plainly, it is not about her. It is solely about you. Repeat again that you love her and appreciate her but you are ready to be on your own. I think by now she’ll be starting the water works, maybe, when she does start crying give her a kiss on her forehead and walk the fuck out. Don’t look back and ruin your hard work!

After this, you’ll need to give her the silent treatment. Let her neighbors know that you’re going to be leaving for a bit. They should only contact you for emergencies. Then block her number or don’t answer. Give her and yourself space and time. All the time you need. If you go too long it’s gonna be awkward coming back. If you come back too soon, nothing will change. I’ll leave it up to you to decide. Afterwards, once you’ve got your shit together you can start talking to your mom again. Give her information you want her to know. You have a new girlfriend, you got a promotion at work, I don’t care what you tell her. The point is you get to decide how much you share. All in all, Mr. Pink, you’re going to have to be a fucking adult about all of this. It’s okay to love your momma but it’s not okay to be a momma’s boy.

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