I’m not sure how many of my fans have heard of Carrie Bradshaw and her sexy journalism. I just recently began S1: E1. I’ve only ever watched the movie with my eldest sister who was a fangirl at the time. Since I am a single-reaching-thirty-type of woman I decided to watch it and see if single life was depicted differently back in the Bradshaw days. I wasn’t surprised when the very first episode brought up a story of a woman who was ghosted by a man. They fell “in love” at first sight. Viewed a couple of places to move in together. Then nothing. And honestly not much has changed since then. I have plenty of female friends who tell me their strange encounters with these beasts. It always ends the same; with them still single. Shit, I’m still single.
I feel like a lot of it is to blame on this monogamy bullshit. I’m going to try and not sound like a bitter spinster here. A lot of women, myself included, were raised to believe in love. The romance, the sweetness, the love will all be provided by Mr. Right. However, what we saw on TV or read in books was different from what we saw and experienced in life. Quoting ‘Explained’ (a show on Netflix you should totally watch!), “[she] was more committed to the idea of monogamy than her partner.” In other words, we become so obsessed and devoted to the idea of being with one person and that one person being with us we no longer care about the person.
We have this idea that there is “the one,” but if this is true, why is it so hard a)to find the right person and b)to be with them forever? Nowadays it seems that the illusion of “the one” is broken. Polygamy has never been more popular. Everyone is back on that high school bullshit of no labels. It makes it easier to have multiple partners before settling on the one you like. The problem with polygamy is that as soon as you decide “this is the one, this is my fish” they’ve also decided on someone else. That’s the game of polygamy. There is no one person. You fall for multiple people at the same time. There is no “the one” because they’re all the one. There is that slight chance, however, that you pick the person that picks you. You have Mr. Right.
Then what? Now you have to play the waiting game. You wait for one of you to fuck it all up. My money is on the guy. What we fall for isn’t the guy; it’s the memory of the guy. You fall in love with the way they talk or how they kiss you or the cute things they say. Inevitably one of you changes and the love dies. If your partner doesn’t change or grow with you, they may feel like dead weight. The same is true vice versa. Those are the tough times where forever doesn’t seem possible. These are the critical moments when rekindling the flame is required. You have to fall in love again and it’d be ideal if you did it with the same person. It should be easy but it’s harder to figure out when we don’t even know who we are. How can your partner be expected to know you and grow with you, if you’re unsure as to who you are and what you want?
And if you’re one of those special people who knows who you are, you’re stuck with the annoying task of waiting for the other person to figure it out. That gets harder with age. I’ve already given ten years of my life to this idea of love and gotten two kids but no lifelong partner. I think we should start teaching a new way of love. Love is equal to happiness. Ultimately, that should just be the overall goal. To be happy. [Reminder: This includes all parties involved. You can’t be happy for the both of you.] And this is something that I believe all women are learning to achieve without a man. Before a woman needed a husband and kids to be happy. Not because she was but because society said so. Nowadays, we don’t need that. We don’t need Mr. Right. We don’t need romance. What we want and what we need are two very distinct things. We don’t need to be in love to be happy.
We need sex and freedom to choose it. As a single mom, I’m kinda walking down an unmarked road. Living single and sexually free of obligation or commitment to one man. I won’t lie, it would be nice to have a lifelong partner. You’ve read my rainy day post. However, I kind of enjoy this commitment to myself. I don’t have to worry if my man is cheating on me or if it’s too soon to fart in front of him. From everything I’ve seen and heard, dating is a lot scarier than being single. Funny enough that’s the same conclusion they came to in that first episode of Sex and the City. I have been dating since I was sixteen. I’ve now been single for three years, and all I really miss is the sex.
In closing, I’d just like to wrap it up with a bit of advice. If you’re in a relationship, remember to grow and communicate with your partner. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself back in the ocean with all the other guppies. If you’re single, enjoy it. You don’t need to rush into anything. Commit to yourself and make your own happiness. I hope I answered your question, you know who you are!